Inevitable
by Lieutenant Lady Silver
Summary: The fight with the Reapers was inevitable. His love with Liara was inevitable. His guilt over the loss of so much innocent life inevitable. But was his recovery after such a traumatic and will-challenging war inevitable as well? MaleShep/Liara T'Soni


**AN: Well, this story is maybe not what you would expect lol and I warn you it is not the happiest story ever. (Though there is a bit of fluff.) I upload this as an apology that I haven't updated Das Malefitz in such a long time. I never actually intented to upload this because of its quite...sad nature so to speak but I hope you enjoy it anyway ;D. It's a one-shot piece. A long one though lol.**

**The pairing would be MaleShep/Liara**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect in any shape or form**

**Inevitable**

He dragged his feet painfully over the ground, feeling his warm blood float through his fingers and create a little pool every step he took. Just a little father...

_Why do you want to destroy us, Shepard? We bring order to the chaos._ A too sweet voice whispered into his ear.

He shook his aching head. Do not listen, he told himself. It was so hard to hear away though.

„**Shepard!**" Another voice called him.

This one was not so sweet. He knew this voice but he couldn't place from where. Ignoring it as well he painfully walked forward further. The console. He had to reach it. Why he didn't even know anymore. Pain and tiredness overwriting almost everything. Around him the world churned in strange colors and around him he saw the people whose death he had caused watching him in silence. Their eyes blankly and unblinkingly just following his movements. Some tiny part of his mind knew that he lost it. The final straw had been pulled when he shot Anderson. It was the Illusive Man's fault, still it was his finger pulling the trigger.

_We can take the pain away. Just stop what you want to do. Then we make it all better..._

It was tempting. So very tempting. But he resisted. It was wrong. Why? He didn't know. Finally after an eternity he reached the console, staring blankly at the information running over the screen. A weapon. Yes, that was right. A weapon to destroy a threat to the universe. He had to activate it. Somehow.

„**Commander! Answer!**"

„I..." He began to say.

His vision began to blur and he started to kneel over, his legs giving out under him.

„**Shepard!**" The voice sounded relieved to his muddled mind.

„I can't...see..." He mumbled.

Turning his head he still saw the death watching him. Their gazes had turned accusing. It was their right. It was his fault they were dead after all. Turning back to the console he stared at the keyboard. He had to do something to activate the weapon. But what? Without any real conscious thought he typed something in and pressed enter. It sounded like a clicking went through the whole Citadel and the arms opened even farther. He dropped to his knees and his head slammed on the keyboard. More of his blood getting smeared everywhere. The pool under his feet already dripping over the ledge.

„**Commander! Whatever you did, it's working!**"

He smiled weakly at those words. Out of the corner of his eyes he still saw the dead watching him. Sighing he closed his eyes and slipped from the keyboard to the ground. He would join them soon.

The forest. It's familiar trees surrounded him again. It had haunted his dreams since he had left earth. Looking around he tried to find the boy he had seen dying, shot down by the Reaper. He sat on the ground just a few meters away with his back turned to him. Shepard's eyes saddened. If only he had forced him out of the ventilator shaft when he had the time! Something strange stuck him about this boy but he ignored it firmly. There was always something strange about him Shepard couldn't place but up to now he had ignored it.

This time he started to think.

Anderson had said he hadn't seen him. That there was no boy that had entered one of the shuttles that were shot down. Shepard had waved it off. Of course he hadn't seen. The boy was so small...but now it struck him as odd. He was about to stand up from the bench he sat on and go over to the boy. A hand on his shoulder stopped him. He turned his head in surprise. His eyes widened when he saw who was next to him.

„Anderson!" He said in surprise.

The older man smiled kindly at him. „Son, you know this boy was never real."

„But..." Shepard began to protest.

He had seen him! He had talked to him! Anderson gave his shoulder a strong, friendly squeeze and shook his head.

„The pressure you were under was great. What you have seen, not many could even stand as long as you have. To protect your mind, to keep together through this last year you summoned this image of the boy. It was a protection against your mind not working, against you giving up. Now you have to let go, Shepard."

The older man stared intently at him, trying to get his message across. Shepard turned away, his brows furrowing. Deep inside his conscious he knew Anderson was right...but still... The older man just sighed at the Commander's reluctance to let go.

„Think about it, Shepard but right now we do not have time for that. We have to go."

The Commander looked at him in confusion. Anderson smiled reassuringly. He stood up and motioned for Shepard to follow.

„Your place is with the living still, no matter what you think, son." Anderson said sternly and started to walk away.

Shepard hastily stood up and followed. The black, smoke-like human forms surrounded them and whispered his dead comrades words into his ears. His heart throbbed in pain. Anderson was silent and didn't look back at all. Shepard was feeling abandoned in a way because of that. His father figure who had told him he was proud of him not even giving him one glance anymore. To his great amazement the forest began to get less thick. Light blinding him when he looked up and Anderson suddenly stopped. Shepard almost ran into him.

Not turning around the older man said. „The last steps of the path you have to go alone. My place is here now."

After that he fell silent again. Sadly Shepard looked at Anderson. He knew he would never see him again when he left. The Commander didn't even know what this place was. Deciding to contemplate this later he did what Anderson told him and walked on. He resisted to glance a last time at the face of the older man. Shepard knew somehow that then something would have kept him here. Some power that he didn't understand. The farther he walked the brighter it got around him. In the end he even had to close his eyes to not get blinded. In that moment he felt the pain return with full force.

An electrical surge went through his body and made him twitch.

He heard muffled voices all around him. „...heartbeat!..." He dimly could make out through them.

So that's what that place had been? Death? His eyes opened slightly, only enough to make out blurred faces around him. Before he could even think about speaking an unimaginable agony took over his body and he began to spasm in pain. A injection was slammed into his arm where his armor had been burned away and soon he felt his conscious leave him again. The forest of death once again haunting him but this time the boy sat in front of him and stared directly at him, waiting.

Voices again, speaking around him, making no sense. He could feel fingers run soothingly through his hair. It felt longer than it was supposed to be. Shepard moved his head slightly to have more from the gentle caresses. They stopped a moment as if in surprise and then continued when his brows furrowed in displeasure. The fingers slowly wandered down to trace the rim of his ear and then ran along his jaw. Unconsciously he began to hum in pleasure. It felt good and slightly soothed the agony that he felt in every nerve of his body. The fingers returned to his hair and gently scratched his scalp.

„Shepard..." A female voice murmured next to his ear.

His conscious gave a small lurch, waking up a bit more. He knew that voice.

Liara... He spoke in his mind, sighing inwardly.

„Wake up, Shepard. I know you can hear me." She said softly close to his ear again.

Liara sounded sad. He struggled to open his eyes. His will that everyone had told him was so strong was broken by now. Maybe it had been broken for a long time and he just kept himself strong with the illusion of the boy. Anderson had told him that. Another hallucination his mind conjured. A hallucination told him the truth about another hallucination. Irony. Still he struggled to wake up. For her. The more he tried, the more the memories of his last time when he was really awake returned to him. He tensed.

Weapon.

Reaper.

Anderson killed by Shepard.

Reapers invading his mind.

The pain.

He shuddered. Liara must have felt this because she gently placed a kiss above his brow and murmured reassuring words into his ear. He slowly relaxed. Her warm voice soothing his flaring nerves. Stopping his struggle to wake up he just enjoyed her presence near him and comforting him. Shepard felt his conscious drift off completely, this time into a peaceful state.

When he woke up again everything around him was silent. Only the gentle beeping of machines reached his ears. He could not even feel Liara's presence anymore which saddened him. Slowly he opened his eyes. It felt like a long time since he saw anything. Around him was only white. A medbay he guessed or a hospital. Grunting in pain he slowly sat up. Looking around he saw a window to his right. Stars and the almost destroyed Earth were outside. Medbay then. Pushing the blanket down from him to expose his upper body he noticed that he was completely bandaged up. No inch of his body could be seen. Well after a Reaper laser beam went right over him that had to be expected. He still couldn't believe that he had survived it.

Swinging his legs over the side of his bed he stood up carefully. The ground was ice-cold under his bare feet. Ignoring that he got up and winced in pain. His body still hurt all over but not as bad as before. Careful of his wounds he slowly made his way to the door. No one else occupied this room with him even though there were two more beds. Probably because he was THE Commander Shepard. The thought left a bitter taste behind that he couldn't place. He quickly shook it off and curiously looked around more. A clock caught his attention before leaving the room completely. 3.29 am. No wonder there seemed to be no noise around. They were probably all asleep.

The door slid open when he approached. Looking from side to side he saw no one that would stop him from walking around. He sighed in relief. Shepard didn't want to see anyone right now besides Liara. He wouldn't mind her being with him. Shepard had to avoid some guards after all. Human and alien alike. Reaching an elevator he looked at the panel and quickly found what he was looking for. A deck where he could view the stars from. The whole ceiling of the deck was made of glass. He sighed in happiness. Sitting down in one of the comfortable chairs he leaned back and just stared upward. Out of the corner of the eye he could still see Earth. It send a fresh wave of guilt through him. The hard decision he had to make...the lives he had to sacrifice...He shuddered. Turning his eyes firmly away from the sight of the almost completely destroyed Earth he concentrated on the stars again.

He didn't know how long he just sat there and stared. Shepard couldn't stop thinking about how many people had died because of him, because he had failed them. He suppressed the tears that wanted to come forth. He couldn't remember when he had last cried and he wouldn't start now. Commander Shepard was not weak and he had much to do. Most of all visit the families and friends of his fallen comrades. Pondering how he could find them he almost didn't hear the elevator door's slid open and a person step into the room. Instinct told him to jump from the chair and get behind cover but his pained and battered body refused to do this sudden movement. Instead he just kept on staring at the stars. This ship was one of the fleet, so there should be no threat here anyway.

Careful, light steps approached him and then stopped when the person sat down next to him. The smell and presence gave her away. Shepard's lips twitched into a short but joyous smile. Liara. Of course she would find him. What had she said? She didn't respect his privacy. True she was. She was silent for awhile just watching the stars with him.

"Still want to get away from it all?" She asked and he could feel her watching him out of the corner of her eye.

He smiled at the gentleness and longing in her tone.

"Only if you come along." He replied and turned away from the stars in favor of looking at her.

There were a few scratches across her perfect blue skin but nothing major. Still it worried him. Finally having his attention she turned completely to him and lightly ran a finger down his cheek. He could see the happy smile at the answer to her question even if she tried to hide it.

"Just disappearing from the medbay. You gave us a big scare there, Shepard."

Guilt flickered for a second in his eyes.

"I..." He didn't even know what to say.

"Don't worry about it." She cooed gently and intertwined their fingers.

With a careful tug she urged him to his feet alongside her.

"Let's get you back. Doctor Chakwas was freaking."

He nodded in agreement, feeling even more guilt. Shepard should have just left a note or something. He didn't want to make everyone worry about him. They shouldn't have to.

"Shepard..." Liara softly called upon his attention.

She seemed to hesitate why he couldn't fathom.

"Let me take care of you for awhile." She said determinedly.

Her eyes shone in resolve and care. Shepard was struck in surprise. Taking care of him? No one was supposed to do that! He had to be strong. They called him a leader so he had to care for them and not the other way around...but her eyes were pleading with him. Begging to agree. As if he was ever able to deny her anything. Reluctantly he nodded and leaned closer to her, letting her see some weakness. She smiled beautifully at him and gently kissed him.

"I'll take good care of you. Just this once."

"Okay." He answered and nuzzled her neck lovingly.

She gave him another kiss to the corner of his mouth in response. Maybe she knew how broken he really was. Hell, he was sure she knew. But he would let no one else see that. No one else would be allowed to take care of him. No one. He felt the stares of the crewman when she led him back to the medbay. Human and alien alike saluted him in respect. He shifted uncomfortably. So many had died because of him. He didn't deserve any of this. They should scorn him. They should hate him.

"Shepard." Liara broke through his thoughts, startling him but still he gave her his full attention.

Her azure eyes looked up at him in light mirth.

"Maybe you should have put on more than your pants before leaving the medbay."

He looked down. She was right of course. There was nothing on him but pants. The thought never even crossed his mind one bit when he left the medbay. He was even bare-footed. Shepard twitched in embarrassment. Liara recognized the signs of course and lightly giggled at him. He couldn't feel offended because she was right after all. Not to mention that she looked even more beautiful when she laughed. He smiled at the thought. Maybe that's what she had tried to do. Drag him out of his gloomy thoughts. The thought that she might know him too well didn't even scare him anymore. She had a right as his bondmate he guessed. It warmed him to know she would never leave him willingly. He loved her more than he could ever express and knowing that someday he would die and leave her behind made his heart ache for her. Shepard didn't want to do that to her but it's not like he could magically extent his lifespan.

It was a miracle that he survived this last fight with the Reapers at all. He didn't even want to think about the grieve she might have felt. She had been prepared he knew. Liara shared her memories with him. Something bondmates often did to say farewell. The hinted forever didn't escape his notice. He had ached for her loss even then because he really had thought that this would be his last fight and of course she had known. A tug on his hand brought his attention back to her. To his surprise he noticed that they were back at the medbay and next to the bed he had left hours ago. She smiled at him and gently coaxed him to lay down again. He followed her silent order without complaint. She never once let go of his hand. He didn't mind at all. When she had made sure that he had comfortably settled down, she took her place next to his bed in a chair. For the first time he noticed some tools lying on the nightstand next to his bed. She must have been here very often. Doing her work while watching over him. His eyes softened and lightly ran the pads of his fingers across her cheek. She leaned into his touch and contently sighed. Seeing her so trusting even more guilt piled on his already overloaded conscious.

"You should not care for a broken man..."

He hadn't meant to say it aloud! Shepard cursed himself. Her eyes had snapped open at his comment in surprise. She carefully looked him over, deciding how to answer to him he could tell. Always thoughtful. Just like he knew her. Mimicking his action of stroking her cheek she gently stroked his. The undeniable love in her eyes for him made him want to weep again. She should not care...it would be better for her.

"Maybe not. But I want to." She finally answered him in the softest of voice he had ever heard from her.

Not knowing how to answer that he just kept on looking at her eyes. They reassured him more than the stars ever did. Sudden movement not far from them broke their eye contact and made them retract their hands from each others cheeks but their fingers remained locked together. Doctor Chakwas ran into the room and relaxed immediately when she saw Shepard where he was supposed to be. Coming closer she threateningly waved her fist at him.

"Don't ever do that again, Shepard. Or I personally will retrieve you and you don't want that believe me." He could hear the concern under the threat and felt warmth inside him swell because of that.

She cared. If Anderson had been his father figure than Chakwas was his mother figure, no doubt.

Saluting her with his free hand he said in a good-naturally voice. "Yes, Ma'am!"

She sighed at him in frustration and shook her head. "Then let's check on your condition and change those bandages."

Liara reluctantly had to let go off his hand and he almost snapped hers back to him but resisted the urge. Chakwas would know then. Know that his strength and will had left him long ago. He couldn't let her. Changing the bandages was a painful process for him. The skin was still not completely healed and the scars he could already see that were left behind resembled his armors outlay. Forever burned into his skin. Chakwas reassured him that most of the wounds would not leave scars like that behind. He was relieved. They made him look like a monster.

"How long was I out?" He finally asked after the last bandage was applied again.

Chakwas looked at him in concern.

"A month and three weeks."

No wonder his hair had grown, he mused. He felt it tingling past his ears. The bleach must have come off, too. Not to mention that his beard must have grown.

"Thank you, Doctor." He said when his musings came to an end.

She nodded with a smile at him.

"In a few weeks you should be fine to leave the medbay but until then bed rest." She said with a hint of a threat in her voice once again.

Shepard held up his hands in surrender.

"I hope I can at least go to the bathroom alone." He said jokingly.

To his horror she seemed to contemplate even that!

"I guess you can." She finally relented to his relieve.

"And when you are up and healthy again. We can finally have the victory drink you promised me." Chakwas said with her usual friendly smile.

Shepard nodded. Yes, they would.

"I will have to check on the other patients. Liara make sure he moves nowhere but the bathroom." The doctor said before leaving the room.

Shepard grumbled unhappily under his breath. He was no invalid! Shoving that thought aside for now he turned to Liara, happy to be alone with her once again.

"I should freshen up. I must look like hell." He said and scratched the full beard that had grown over the month.

She smiled at him in good humor. "You do."

He chuckled at her response. Shepard resisted the urge to kiss her. His breath must smell horrible.

"Be right back." He mumbled more to reassure himself than her.

She nodded and lightly brushed his hand with hers. His skin tingled where hers touched his. It always had. Even when he had to carry her to the _NORMANDY_ when they had met for the first time on Therum. Carefully he made his way to the bathroom. He felt Liara's caring gaze upon him. Locking the door behind him he made his way over to the sink and leaned heavily on it. The face that stared back at him from the mirror above it he didn't even recognize anymore.

A thick, brown full beard covered his cheeks, chin and jaw and his hair had grown past his ear. He looked more like a homeless than the asian-looking Commander he was. Even his light blue eyes seemed less colorful than usual in his now pale face, normally he sported a natural tan. Determined to change that he took a razor and shaved the beard off. He trimmed it neatly so that it only framed his jaw like it always had. Taking scissors he cut off his hair as carefully as he could. It still didn't look like when a professional did it. He really had to get his hair cut as soon as possible and bleached. The dull brown of it made him frown and orange-glowing scars that he had since being revived from death were not gone either.

Doctor Chawkas offered to remove them but he didn't want to. They would forever remind him of his failures. Sighing he turned away from the mirror. It's not like he could do anything about it now and it might be good that he looked different in the moment...less attention for him. After finishing his cleanup he returned to the main room of the medbay. Liara was still in the same place he left her. Now though she held one of her varies tools in her hands, her eyes calming scanning the information on its display. Shadow Broker work he guessed. Resisting the urge to itch the bandages all over his body he went over to his bed. Liara looked up when he approached and smiled at him, placing the tool in her hands back onto the pile on his nightstand. She helped him settle down again, playfully ruffling his hair and running her finger along his trimmed beard.

"Better." Liara said with a small smirk.

He smiled back just a bit and then looked at the metal ceiling above. Shepard felt drowsy again.

"You should sleep. Your body has not fully rested yet. It seems you haven't rested like you should have in a long while." Her tone took on an almost accusing tone in the last sentence.

He threw her a short guilty gaze. Shepard knew she was right. Not that he would admit that aloud. Instead of replying to her words he closed his eyes and relaxed under her gentle fingers straightening his unruly hair. It didn't take him long to drift to sleep again.

Loud voices ripped him away from his dreamless slumber. His face contorted in discomfort and he slowly drifted to awareness enough to make out what they were saying.

"...too early! Leave!" Liara hissed next to him to whoever she was speaking with.

She tried to stay quiet for his sake he was sure but she sounded angry. He would not be surprised if biotic energy was right now flaring around her.

"He has responsibilities, Doctor T'soni. Neither you or I can change that. The people of every race ask for their savior, their hero! He has to make an appearance to keep the peace between all of them." The second voice was much louder and less caring for his resting state.

Admiral Hackett. The older man sounded very agitated. How long did they argue already?

"Well, they waited so long, they can wait a little longer!" Liara answered him stubbornly.

The Admiral sighed in annoyance. Before any of them could say any more he opened his eyes and searched for the older man.

"When did you plan to have me do this appearance, Sir?" Shepard asked.

Startling Liara and the Admiral both.

"Tomorrow morning. 0800 sharp. One hour beforehand you will get briefed and then meet the journalists in the meeting room." Hackett answered him after a small pause.

He seemed relieved.

"I will be there, Sir."

Shepard didn't dare look at Liara at the moment. If she wasn't furious before then she was it now. The Admiral nodded with a content smile.

"I will see you there Commander and then we can talk about a promotion as well."

Saluting him Hackett left. Slowly he shifted his gaze over to Liara. Her lips were set in a tight line and he could tell that she was very unhappy about his decision.

"You should still rest. You are not well yet." She finally said with a disappointed sigh.

Her eyes were almost accusing. He did promise to let her take care of him...

"I'm sorry but...I just can't make all those people unhappy..." He answered timidly.

Liara sighed resigned. "I know you can't. Sleep now though again, Shepard. Do that at least."

She gently caressed his cheek with her fingertips, lulling him back into sleep. His body too tired to resist her beckoning.

Hands shaking him carefully woke him up the next day again.

"Shepard, come on it's time for your appearance in front of the press. I got you your clothes."

He groggily opened his eyes. Liara was looking down at him with a loving smile. He couldn't resist returning it. Her anger from the day before seemed to have disappeared into nothing. Giving him a gentle peck on the forehead she helped him up. His wounds still ached terribly. Doctor Chakwas was close by as well and quickly changed his bandages. Both woman ushered him into the bathroom to change clothes. They had gotten him his Commander uniform that he always had worn abort the _NORMANDY. _It covered his bandages perfectly. He barely had left the bathroom when he was already placed into a chair. Confused he looked at Liara. She pointed at a new woman in the room who had brought several utensils with her.

"You are going to get the hair cut you need now." She said amused at his expression.

Nodding in understanding he sat still while the woman did wonders to his neglected hair. It was shining the normal bleached blond it always had and cut short to still fit military standard. Running his fingers through it he got up from the chair and looked expectantly around. Liara stepped next to him and wrapped her arm around his, nudging him forward. He followed her silent order without protest.

"Where are we going?" He finally asked when they were outside the medbay.

Freedom after so long!

"Meeting room. Remember?" She said and intertwined their fingers.

Her warm palm resting against his.

"Ah, yeah now that you say it. I was barely awake then." He said sheepishly.

She giggled lightly next to him and leaned her head against his shoulder.

"You should not say yes to things only because you want to keep sleeping." She scolded playfully.

He chuckled.

"Worked so far." He answered slyly.

She gave him a light shove in reply. Shepard chuckled lightly. She cheerfully smiled up at him, leaning her head back against his upper arm, intertwining their fingers. Shepard pointedly ignored the knowing smirks of the ship personal on the way. He was whipped he knew and he didn't care. Liara was the most important person in the universe to him. He would rather die then have to leave one of her wishes unfulfilled. In no time at all they reached the meeting room which happened to be the room where he had watched the stars from. The large table had been moved so more chairs could fit into the room and face it. Microphones had been placed on the metal surface and Shepard had a good guess where he had to sit down. Hackett and a few guards were already in the room, carefully keeping the journalists out he guessed. The Admiral motioned to the chair next to him, making it clear that Shepard was supposed to sit down. He followed the silent order, Liara still clinging to his arm and only reluctantly letting go when they both took their seats.

"Good morning, Commander. I hope you feel better today." Hackett said with a friendly smile.

Shepard nodded in silence. The Admiral seemed satisfied with that and pushed a small computer-pad over to him. Curiously Shepard picked it up and looked at the information on its screen.

"That's the confidential data that you shouldn't talk about, Commander. Please take your time memorizing it."

"Very well, Sir." He answered dutifully.

Silence came over the room while Shepard studied the data. He felt Liara look over his shoulder curiously, her chin brushing against him. A smile twitched over his lips shortly. He lightly shifted the computer-pad in his hand around so she could get a better view at it. Shepard had no secrets when it came to her. So the alliance hadn't either. If Hackett was displeased then he didn't show it. After half an hour he finished studying the data and put the tool then.

"Let's begin then." The Admiral said.

While Shepard had been busy more people had entered the room. He recognized all of them. The Council members and Generals and Admirals of the armies. Hackett waved his hand in the direction of one of the guards who nodded and then opened the doors. It took only a few seconds for the excitingly chattering journalists to fill into the room and sit down in the rows of chairs in front of them. On all of their faces were eager expression and most of them looked at Shepard. Nervously he shifted in his seat. This much attention unnerved him. Liara must have felt his discomfort and gently squeezed the fingers of his hand under the table. He calmed down considerably. Shepard resisted the urge to lean against her though. The journalists would have a field day with that. Hackett lifted his arm and everyone in the room got silent.

"We called this meeting today to let the public know..."

Shepard heard away from the welcoming speech of his Admiral. He had been in such events before and every time it had bored him out of his mind. This time he even had to answer questions himself... He didn't look forward to it. Scanning the crowd in front of him he recognized none of the journalists. This surprised him. Maybe she died... True he had hated the guts of the woman but she didn't deserve to die. He frowned. Another senseless death because he had not been fast enough. Sighing inwardly he thrummed his fingers on the table. Hackett still was talking next to him and it didn't seem as if he would stop soon.

Suddenly the hairs at the back stood up and a chill went down his spine. Something was wrong, his instincts told him clearly. Looking to his side, wondering if Liara felt it too, he saw her look as bored as he felt only seconds ago, even when she tried to hide it. He smiled in amusement but quickly shook that off and scanned the room slowly for anything suspicious. Something was glistening in the corner of his eye. Surprised he turned his gaze around. His eyes widened.

It was the boy.

He was standing there silent as ever and staring at him. The accusation in his eyes clear. Shepard took a deep, sudden breath and held it, closing his own for a second. When he opened them again the boy was gone. Letting his breath escape his mouth again he was startled at who stood there now instead of the kid.

Thane.

Accusing.

But something was wrong about him... Why was his skin so...blue? Realization came to him quick. Not Thane stood there. It was his son, expertly hidden in-between the crowd. A sniper rifle was in his hands pointing at Shepard. Even from the other side of the room the Commander could see Kolyat forming words with his mouth.

"May you forgive him for his sins, Goddess of Hunt."

The trigger was pulled. Shepard only had enough time to shift a few inches but that was enough to not let the bullet pierce his heart. Blood spilled from his lips and he clutched at his chest, more of his liquid of life seeping past his fingers from there. Coldness was spreading in his body. He remembered this coldness all too well. Slowly he sank forward in his chair his head dropping on the table with a sickening thump. Dimly he registered muffled screams in the room and a fight somewhere close-by. Everything around him grew quieter and quieter and his vision began to fade. He felt so very tired again. His eyelids began to droop and his hand that had clutched at his chest to stop the blood from flowing, going limp. He had long ago given up the fight. And he knew it.

The forest again. As dark and unforgiving as it always was. But now it seemed even more threatening and at the same time tempting. Why not just stay? Keep sitting on this bench forever? The boy was sitting in front of him again. Staring. Eyes hollow and dead. Shepard found the sight more terrifying than anything he'd ever seen in his life but yet couldn't look away.

_Does this machine have a soul?_

He closed his eyes in pain.

Legion.

_You are doing the right thing skipper and you know it._

Ashley.

_I'm proud of you son._

Anderson.

The words of his dead friends and innocents replaying over and over again.

Holding his head and squeezing his eyes tightly shut he screamed in despair. "STOP! PLEASE STOP!"

It grew silent only the quiet humming and faint whispers of voices in the background remained. Something about this forest was odd. It send fear down his spine and gave him a feeling that he was watched. Opening his eyes he saw the boy again. Still unmoving. Or did he come closer? Terrifying him more than it should he tried to get up. Something heavy on his legs seemingly keeping him down. When he looked down he gasped in shock. The armor was unmistakably even if the face was rotted beyond recognition. Phoenix Armor. Ashley. Frantically he pushed the body from his legs and jumped up. The guilt gnawed at him. It would forever gnaw at him.

"You killed her."

His head snapped around. The boy still looked at him with a dead gaze and he definitely had moved now. He grimaced about his words. Everything of him agreed with the boy's words.

"You killed me."

His memory painfully showed him the boy's shuttle getting shot down.

"You killed us all."

He bit his lip. A great part of him agreed. So many choices he had to make. So many people who died because of them. He was a monster.

"Are you happy now? You won. And it only needed for you to sacrifice humans and aliens alike. Are you happy?"

"I..." He had no response and looked to the ground in pain.

"Or maybe you haven't won."

Shepard looked up and shock and surprise. They haven't won? After all the sacrifices, after all the loss?

"Why!? The Reaper are gone!"

"Are they?"

The boy's face still looked as dead and empty as ever. His voice not betraying any emotion either. It was just stated as a pure fact.

"What did I miss?"

Shepard hated the hopelessness in his own voice. But after all this...how much hope was there left?

"You destroyed the outside. But what is with the inside?"

Shepard was puzzled. "What do you mean with _the inside_?"

A smile began to stretch over the boy's emotionless face, never reaching his eyes. Shepard shuddered at the sight. It send new waves of fear down his spine.

"Look at yourself."

When he looked down at himself he saw flames come up around him, burning him, destroying him. He couldn't even scream. He was not terrified. Because that, that was right. Why Shepard didn't know. It just was. And it was so much easier than following the nagging thought in the back of his mind that something was wrong with this image. There was nothing to fight. This was how it should be. It was futile to resist.

His eyes opened to familiar dark surroundings. The hospital room. Once again he had cheated death while others had died. This thought gave him a bitter taste. Looking around he found himself alone in the room again until his gaze fell upon the bed next to his. The blue skin was unmistakable and made him briefly smile. Liara. She was the last beacon of hope in his dark world. Taking his eyes from her beautiful sight he frowned at the new machines attached to him. He had to check something. Now. Carefully he pulled the machines out hoping they didn't start some kind of alarm. As quietly as he could, he didn't want to wake Liara, he got his clothes and put them on. Wincing in pain at his new almost fatal wound.

Finished dressing he left the room and slowly made his way to the shuttle bay, avoiding guards once again on his way. He had a mission. He had to KNOW. His thoughts were a muddled mess. He didn't even know what he needed to know. Shepard saw the shadow of the boy in one of the armories and decided that a pistol couldn't hurt. It was unlikely that he would meet an enemy but if someone wanted to stop him... That thought bewildered him. He would never shoot an innocent person! Shaking off this strange thought as temporary insanity he continued on his way to the shuttle bay. The whole way he felt like he was being watched. Constantly throwing a look over his shoulder, hearing someone shuffle in the shadows. He tried to ignore this feeling but it wouldn't leave him alone.

This constant humming and whispering of his dreams seems to have followed him into the waking state too. It annoyed him. Ignoring it for the time-being and deciding he simply needed more sleep he found an empty shuttle that he could board and took of the main flagship of the fleet. His goal was clear in his mind.

The Citadel.

What he wanted to find their exactly he wasn't sure. But he knew he had to go there. It was important. Somehow. No guards seemed to watch over the station now. Or only in parts that inhabited people still. So he arrived without anyone noticing. Following the strangely similar path through the Citadel he found his way back to the console. To the console that had deactivated the Reapers. With steady straight he stopped in front of it and began to type. His contact with the Prothean beacon allowing him to read what appeared on the screen.

_Overwrite Reaper deactivation protocol?_

His finger hovered over the _y_ button.

Some sense returning to his senses. Reactivate the Reaper?! Why would he do that...unless... The part of his mind that had been fighting all along finally reaching the surface. Indoctrination. Shepard spat in his mind. Throwing all his power into resisting it his hand began to shake from the effort. But he finally managed to throw is body backwards, hitting the ground with an audible thud. Pain surged through him. Many of his wounds reopening, his newest including. He gasped and coughed in agony.

"Why do you still fight?" The sudden voice of the boy startled him.

Turning his head he looked at the blurry image of the child.

"Resistance is futile, Shepard."

Where had he heard that before?

"Just give in. You could be so much stronger, so much better than you are now. Give in. And the pain will be gone."

It was so tempting. So very tempting. Trees began to grow from the ground around him, shadowy figures surrounding him. Whispering his dead comrades words into his ears. He gritted his teeth. It's not real. He told himself. It's not real. But it wouldn't go away either.

"Don't you want the pain to end?"

The boy was now crouching right in front of his face. A fake look of sympathy on his face. But now Shepard knew. This was not a simple child. It was a Reaper. His righteous side flared up in him. Giving him strength.

"Go to hell." He sneered into the boy's face.

The child was displeased at his reaction.

"Very well."

The creepy smile returned to the boy's face, sending a fresh wave of fear down Shepard's spine which he tried to shake off but couldn't.

"We will forever stay with you then Shepard. I hope you don't mind our presence in your mind."

And he laughed, laughed so coldly and emotionless it made Shepard's hair's stand on end.

Everything started to burn.

The boy.

The forest.

The shadowy figures.

Himself.

Everything.

And this time it hurt.

He screamed in pain. Shepard didn't know how long it lasted. At some point he found himself waking in the console room. Alone and bleeding. A pool of blood had already created itself under him. Slowly he got up on his knees holding the wound through his shoulders. Silence was around him now. Only the dripping of his own blood to the ground interrupted it. He was now the host for the Reapers? His face scrunched up at the thought. Then he was not safe. Not safe at all. Who knew how long they already corrupted him. It made him sick to think how many times people probably had died because he hadn't noticed. They really all were killed because of him. It weighted heavily on him. The galaxy trusted him but he couldn't even trust himself.

_There is a way to free yourself...if you have the guts._ He frowned at his own words.

Probably the last once spoken with a free mind. The more right they were. Taking the pistol from the holster he just looked at it for awhile. It was a standard military weapon. Not the exclusive ones he was used to but it would do. He placed the weapon against his temple and was about to pull the trigger when another memory assaulted him.

_Promise me you will always come back?_

He twitched and lowered the pistol again. Just staring at it. Liara. He had promised. But it was not right to burden her like that. Still he had promised. Conflicted, he just sat there on his knees, pistol in hand, in his own pool of blood, slowly bleeding out. If he didn't decide soon, the decision would be taken from him. He could not be a burden to Liara, to anyone. Now he was a threat. His mind forever the host of Reapers made him almost a Reaper himself. He could not leave such a threat in the galaxy. Shepard knew his will was almost broken, just a little nudge... Sighing he lifted the pistol once again to his temple and closed his eyes. Ending his life like Saren. The irony. He was not even afraid. Feeling that his choice was right and justified.

He was not doing it out of fear.

He was doing it out of duty.

Duty to protect the galaxy.

Even from himself.

He pulled the trigger.


End file.
